Just the other day was an anniversary of sorts. It was exactly six years since I stepped out in faith, leaving behind a 30-year career in data analytics, and followed a call to ordained ministry.
I’d already been moonlighting with Kairos prison ministry and using up all my leave to be a student chaplain at Flinders. The intervening years saw me receive a Diploma in Theology and a Bachelor in Ministry, along with other vocational awards. 18 months of prison chaplaincy placements were followed by 3 wonderful years as an aged care chaplain, and during this time, I was ordained in the Uniting Church in Australia. It is only 6 years, but it feels like a lifetime – the people I’ve met – their stories, their difficulties and their hopes and dreams. I’ve been a witness to suffering and grief, and to joy in equal measure. I traded in Excel spreadsheets for real lives. Though it hasn’t always been easy. One scholar wrote, “the church is not a career path. It’s a place you go to give your life away.” Like Paul says, “I will gladly spend and be spent for your souls.” Easier said than done. There have been tears and heartaches. There were a few times when I couldn’t make ends meet, though I never went without: I remember the generosity of friends who covered my petrol bills to Yatala or Mobilong; I remember being helped with a grant application for the last two subjects of my degree; I remember folks flying in or driving long distances to support me at various key moments of ordination or induction.
And here I am, 6 years into a full-time life in ministry, and now, 15 months into ministry at Clayton Wesley. This Sunday I will preach for the 50th time at Clayton Wesley. The Gospel is the death of John the Baptist, which would not be my first choice for a milestone service! Exactly a year ago at the 140th anniversary service for the “new church” I ignored the lectionary to preach on Jesus turning water into wine. Not just any old wine either: “You’ve kept the best wine until now!”
Today I uploaded all the 82,894 (!) words from the first 50 homilies into a word cloud generator, and the image it created (below) reveals what has been on my heart for Clayton Wesley these past 15 months. And the Gospel has been at the heart of the message each week.
When I was training for the ministry, I used to preach around southern Adelaide. I don’t recall where, but in one church I visited, carved into the pulpit for the preacher to see are the words, “We would see Jesus.” Indeed. It’s like that Casting Crowns song says, “I don’t want to leave a legacy. I don’t care if they remember me. Only Jesus. I’ve only got one life to live, I’ll let every second point to Him. Only Jesus.” And yet, at the same time I do want to feel like I am making an impact in the lives of those I meet. To feel that I am being a signpost to a God who cares. I want to feel that every encounter has mattered, and honours my calling. To feel like I am playing a part in God doing a new thing in people’s lives…
For the last 3 months, against a backdrop of winter, I’ve been navigating feelings of homesickness, and wrestling with future directions and questions of belonging and worth. It has been a lonely hill to climb. Anniversaries and milestones are helpful for me though – they give an opportunity for reflection and even course correction. A life offered in service and surrender to the ministry of the Gospel doesn’t guarantee zero missteps, but it does promise a faithful God who forgives and helps guide our feet. I love the line Eva Cassidy sings: “and the Lord’s been like my shadow even when I was wrong.” Faithful, compassionate, and ever-present – like Jacob says, “surely the LORD is in this place, and I did not know it.” I love that this Sunday morning, Yvonne will be singing Nearer my God to Thee – that wonderful hymn based on Jacob’s dream: “out of my stony griefs, Bethel I’ll raise.” Bethel I’ll raise.
Lately I’ve been studying the works of Lilias Trotter, who walked away from what would have been a renowned career as a painter, and surrendered the second half of her life to missionary work in the deserts of northern Africa. She said these comforting words: “The place where we wash His Feet with our tears has a great nearness to His Holy Place above.” Looking back over the six years since stepping out in faith to serve the Gospel, there have been many highs and some real lows. But I know this: I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I have met and loved so many people. I cannot step even one foot from this path ordained for me. And I know that spring always follows winter.
Scripture refs. 2 Cor 12:15, Jn 2:10, Is 43:18, Mk 6:34, Lk 1:79, Prov 3:5-6, Gen 28:11-22
Am I Called? is by Dave Smith
“Only Jesus” is by Bernie Herms, John Mark Hall, and Matthew J West
“Anniversary song” sung by Eva Cassidy, written by Steven Digman
“Nearer my God to Thee” is by Sarah Flower Adams
Visit liliastrotter.com for more information about her life in ministry